I’m very used to getting strange or intrigued looks when I tell people what I do for a job…it’s a blessing and a curse!
Most people will relate my job to good ol’ Jean Milburn, the stunning Sex Therapist from Sex Education, but I got into therapy for a different purpose than to look like the gorgeous sultry Gillian Anderson. I’ve had therapy myself from a child and through into adult life for a variety of reasons, and I’ve been lucky enough to surround myself with people who talk highly of therapy, rather than cower away.
I’m confident to say, like most others, the sex education classes I had at school were f*cking useless and I came away from them feeling more in the dark than when I went in. I wasn’t taught what a healthy relationship looked like, what consent was, that sex was for ‘pleasure’ and not just for typically making a baby (the heteronormative way). Unfortunately, because of that very lack of education and through no fault of my own, I was subject to many difficult situations, that just basic sex education would have really helped me with.
Quite frankly, I was sick of the taboo around sex
Especially in British culture, we can still be very conservative and embarrassed when it comes to sex. I completely appreciate that peoples sex lives are deeply private and personal, however societal stigma and taboo can cause deep rooted shame that can have a significant negative impact on your mental health and everyday life.
So, I was on a mission to see how I could get into the industry, help as many people as I could, and be that person who talks about the elephant in the room!
I applied to study a Foundation Certificate in Counselling Practice Skills and then went on to apply for a Post Graduate Diploma in Clinical Sexology with the Contemporary Institute of Clinical Sexology for 3 years. I dedicated everything to learn all I could about the sex and relationship world.
During this learning period, I heard and used the words
Sex Vagina Vulva Penis Orgasm
more times than I had ever used in my whole life. I learnt the TRUE and ACCURATE biology of the female and male anatomy, that I‘d never learnt in basic sex-ed at school. I saw pictures of every STI under the sun, and the harrowing impact social stigma can have on people’s lives. I learnt nearly every kink, fetish and paraphilia there is out there. I learnt the science (or lack of) behind if sex and pornography really are ‘addictive’. I met so many amazing professionals and colleagues who were doing all they could to change the industry one step at a time, to make peoples relationships and sex lives safer, healthier, and all round better and more enjoyable!
It was incredibly inspiring
As part of my learning, I did a 15-month placement offering 150 hours of voluntary therapy as a Trainee Psychotherapist with Sex Therapy Herts. They are a brilliant organisation that offer a subsidised therapy service for people suffering with sexual dysfunction problems and relationship issues, but are looking to find therapy at a reduced cost. Essentially offering an excellent service in between the NHS and private therapy.
My work was dominated by erection problems, anxiety around sex, performative sex and expectations on women in relationships, compulsive sexual behaviour, and communication issues in relationship therapy. I immersed myself in the work every day and loved every minute of my clinical work.
I did this for 3 years ALL whilst having a full-time corporate job in the big city! It’s safe to say that I was bloody exhausted by the end of it, yet so unbelievably proud of what I had accomplished and been through personally and professionally.
This whole journey has been extraordinary and deeply personal. As part of my learning, I had to understand through the context of my own sexual experiences, relationships and life values. I had to test and understand my own barriers and judgements when it came to sex and relationships, then worked tirelessly to become subjective and reduce any risk of bringing unconscious bias / judgement in the therapy room with clients.
It didn’t take long at all before I felt settled in my therapy chair speaking with clients about masturbation, orgasms, pornography, kinks, affairs and much more!
Qualifying
Having qualified in September 2023 and now running my own private practice, my interests in the profession have adapted. My time is now spent between sex and relationship issues presenting in young adults (18-35), women’s sexual health concerns, and general couples therapy.
Being a young woman myself, I believe that I’m able to offer my clients a different perspective and perhaps shared experience. I understand the minefield that is the dating world and the challenges that young people face. The pressures of social media, ever changing beauty standards, gender identity concerns, how to navigate sexual expectations on women and moving away from performative sex. All topics that I truly care about, and want to provide a space for people to feel that they can talk freely about their experiences.
So circling back to that taboo...
Stigmas are created by our society and these attitudes can be extremely harmful to our mental health and wellbeing. I appreciate it will take time to change, but I strongly believe that we can all play a part in destigmatising many aspects around sex and relationships – all by talking about it.